double the "HEY Seeking!" i was thinking of actually--both u two. u and lilmomma. and i'll be darned--nixie too. ur on track. strength strength strength. searching and seeking and always improving, and cutting thru the muck and mire. i started out watching my mother care for ppl. i was 3. i couldnt go up and down stairs with both feet. too little and off balance. had to do it the old one foot stays on the step with the other, as one goes down, and up. took a long time. step by step. she was a nurse's aid, took me to work with her. she was a real RN but they wouldnt graduate her since she was pregnant by her first husband that she had divorced. secretly. they punished women/nurses real bad in those days. i threaded the old ppl's needles. they couldnt see anymore. the wife of the janitor i found out later at my elementary school was dying there then. in it was in the blood to be a healer, caregiver, she took me with her and i saw her bliss. the ecstasy she had for healing. for service in that mode. it was to BE. and i took it thru EVERY STEP there was. started out to replace a friend with a broken leg at a nursing home. passed out meds to hundreds a nite, at age 17. did all the "treatments." ran a crew of older women there. with only 2 licensed nurses for over 400 patients. (all illegal and ran by the PTB--the county). made $2.40 an hr. got a raise--went up to $2.57. yet, was rich. had loads of responsibility. learned pharmacopia, paid for my gas in junior college, which was 50 miles one way. moved out at 17. rent was $75.00 a month. had my 14 yr old sister there and a few wayward roommates thru the yrs there. took 22--24 units at a time. included night classes. went to work in the am washing dishes in the basement of a hospital, before that. later ran whole hospitals, whole complex medical systems with several hospitals/medical centers in them. big exec. used to drive to school in illinois, in snowdrifts 5 ft high, on solid sheets of ice, in blizzards. went anyway. just did it. worked full time going thru grad school. running hospitals while doing that too. always the hard way, the most stringent and rigorous. more training of a gladiator. got a ton of what i call--legitimized paper behind me, under me. proving all of it. grad school done, post grad done. thats not the point tho, altho clearly, i paid my dues. not even the half of it. up and down those steps. good to know that even the best laid plans have underlying realities one doesnt expect and i thot i was not naive. how wrong i was. i did not realize how deep the rabbit hole went, or how sick the bizness of healthcare really was, and who were the illuminati, even tho id worked in it my whole life.
the REAL deal is that i figured way way back that nobody NOBODY would ever carry me. im not the carrying kind. i carry others so i had to find something that would pay--no matter what or where. us 3 kids learned real quick in our environment that while those 2 were at war with each other, we'd have to carry on despite. early sense of survival alone. what will always support me? what will always be there? what will ppl need, always? what could i do for money if i was to crashland in quatemala? thats how i used to think then, still do. i thot-- and this is weird--women will always menstruate and ppl will always be sick. what could i do with those facts? always went for facts first. the parents were good at that--do not trouble us kids. all is expendable. everybody was dis-attached kinda. and were not responsible for u guys pretty much. they were 2 strange but loveable ducks. and i was already at the nursing home for gas money. u could eat and buy ur cigs there. they left the water in the mac and cheese to make it thicker and go 'round. they had a commissary. it was the old folks home and old county poor farm as they used to call it in the 1800's. lots of old guys with their legs shot off, TB pts with most of their chest gone. i loved it there. i used to go to school, then drive there, and work til after midnite. get up and get to school 50 miles away in the AM, then do it all over again. did the night classes so it would work out that i did doubles on week-ends. worked sometimes 3 and 4 days, numerous shifts, in a row. smoked and drank and everything else like a fiend. partied continuously all thru it. can remember sharpening my pencil in nursing school at 7AM in a hallway readying to take 2 back to back tests that would make or break graduation (old diploma school AFTER the first college and they sent us to another there so theres 2 degrees with a diploma RN thing from just that. lived in a dorm with 17 yr olds straight from the farm. i was 22, and wild. it was hell)---so hungover, that i had to hold onto the wall and the pencil sharpener to stand up. whiskey breath so bad i coulda knocked over a few truckers. in lots of pain having to have to do this. oh the the discipline to do it. wasnt gonna let that crap wreck my social and experimental transcendence "calender" tho. oh no. we must party on and get an A anyway. thats just the way it was. trained mind. all done to lead me eventually to the practice of medicine, as planned with my own office, i thot. ultimately be an independent provider. all those yrs i planned that. big joke. all was to end in a joke. and i went all the way thru it, planned it all, it took over 13 years, with just the classes needed. thats just the requirements, linearly. one must also have yrs of experience to prove one is advanced. so thats over 35 yrs now, with 10 yrs in the NP role now. only to realize i'd be in enemy territory and not in a hospital or similar setting anymore where all is heavily regulated, went right in to enemy camp. didnt know how that went. found out soon. unless nurses can get money for their services DIRECTLY from the patient, there will always be the/a pimp. thats what i found when i got to the end. so thats why i say im a whore. all nurses will come to this conclusion, sooner or later. i did long ago.
so here i was--in a SERVICE CYCLE. was a temple prostie, had been remembering it once i got to the end. realized how that was healing in thr past, all that weaved together. when i really got it was when i began to reject my pimps in the new setting. wanted to kill 'em. finally got it REAL good when i worked in offices for "the man." the man owns the world. now on par with the big boys. yet always reminded "NOT". not welcome there. began getting it when directly remembering pastlives as they bled thru. the man doesnt like competition. too powerful, the ppl wanted to see me instead of them. used my skills and 'potions', ppl were better overnite. its the touch and the intent too. the PTB dont like that--one bit. it helped me see who i am, and why, and whats gone on. it was there all along. service. shown to me by the HS. insisting on all the LEGITIMIZED PAPER was symbolic, a test. all the yrs, licenses, degrees,certifications. THAT WAS WHY. see the big play there to "make it right." to clean it up and bump it up. all disciplinary tests to get me to see all around and to prove if i wanted that cycle to end or not. i got it and understood. loved it that i had the power, knowledge. but then when i realized the lone onus that i wasnt gonna have my own gig (illegal in CA) and that every single deal set up in the medical community is/was/has been designed to thwart nurse practitioners at every turn (insurance companies wont let u in, medicare pays at a fraction of the physician rate for the same services, not allowed to sign a death certificate or do a physical for a handicap placard, all on whim and legislation that changes overnight by TPTB. some yrs its ok, then they change it. treated like shit, used to do volume, told what to do by 5 dollar an hour medical assistants and the wives in doctor's offices, shunned by the pharmaceutical companies but write prescriptions all day. blah blah blah) i realized i dont DO PIMPS and ive hooked/serviced long enough. so i see crats in there, the mission, how it began, and how it stands today. it all tied together. understood finally, why i despise false authorities. killed me more than once. i was again, with the priest caste, but never legit enuf. never good enuf. i grokked it.
so i go to places that dont screw ME now. i give SERVICES for money exchange. i cant change the status quo. i race home to go on NR. i live on the net pretty much everyday, since i gave up whoring. i study now. only lend my services when i feel like it. purely do TEMP. carved out a niche. showed others how to do it, which secretly ruins the status quo from within, insidiously. raises the bar. yet, no investment anymore, what a surprise. just in the pts, who literally 'belong' to the priest caste. ur used to heal them, but theyre not "yours." theyre commodities, traded, bought and sold. if the public only knew. always still at motel 6. and every now and again i end up at the marriott. and the sheets are clean. its all been way grand since i woke up. ur enemies can teach u lots. i love to fix, heal, patch up, ppl. i fix ppl "other providers" screw up. yep. and im happy now that i take the money quietly. and not as an employee. i found the balance. I CONTROL "it." i have friends that r of the priestly caste. so it works out. never been happier, or fatter. live good. made that happen. gift to self. woulda had at least one PhD and an EdD by now, but saw the crap and couldnt do that anymore. dont have the 6 bedroom house. no--then id have to work and i learned to despise that. working for masters, pimps, corps. more theory to study? a nursing PhD that focuses on????? come on. not what its cracked up to be. be in academia and play those politics? even in my short teaching adjunct university stints i go against the grain. not ur typical instructor babe. (i notice they havent called me this yr). spew out metaphysical insights to all of them tho. patients and students alike. get em to think, wake a little, re-arrange their thinking. charismatically. saved money, every dime thru the yrs--just waiting for hard times, just in case. just in case i'd have to crashland in quatemala. always a fallback to save the self. take complete and utter responsibility for the self. big disappointment but made the best of it. oh well. took yrs to get over it. im all done with it now, decreased bitterness, watch and observe.
in short (haha) none of this worked out EXACTLY like i planned and im one helluva planner. STEP BY STEP i paid and EARNED my way. would never have believed i did all this (worked every holiday or week-end when ppl were having fun with their families and loved ones, ran the streets at midnite when i got off duty which aint the best pickins for looking for mates/lovers after working PM's, always on duty, giving and giving and making everything alright for others). i chose it. the awakening of what i got myself into was a major turning point in my evolution. and thankful for it. turned out better really tho, than i wouldve ever guessed or projected. if i wouldve stayed the old route id still be an exec, or a tenured professor. glued to the career and compromising. i dont do that anymore either, barely. (watch michael moore's Sicko movie--i havent yet and why need to? i LIVE IT) and u get it. F'in crooks. i have to stay as far from that as possible while still in it, straddling the reality of it in very short and planned bursts. more now as a knowing neutral observer. this is where my real heart lies anyway--studying metaphysics and the science of the soul. yet applying it to everyday practice. cant be around nor support demons every day. its draining and will kill. BUT i go in and out of it with personal power. shielded. i at least like to think. and now i stay off the frontlines as much as possible. it no longer defines me. "the career" puke. it isnt my life's work. anymore. stay home the rest of the time, where its peaceful, fun, quiet, safe, CLEAN, and loving. set up my own king/queendom. jump in the pool that i built, from service money. and i think all the time, about what im gonna research next and tie together and maybe post on. sink it into the recesses for later. will use it all. how to get on out of here, knowing what i know, now. uncover the divine secrets. it couldnt have worked out better. who woulda thot?! not tied to career, an image, a job, a cycle.
so--is it a SERVICE or a PRODUCT, Seeking? i'd first look at it intellectually and break it down that way. what is it that can be done from home, that ppl NEED that u already do? and do well? that U ALREADY DO? the key is in that. can u shop for other ppl and buy organic for them? and charge them and show them how. or tutor their kids if ur good at that and i think u are. or cook for them and send it over? or do muffins from organics and send out for sale or pick up from home if u cook well. set up rain barrels for them. be an organic provider in ur own realm. or write like u do for locals or for ur paper or local? or even hang their laundry out on lines and sell urself as an organic home service and thats ur "product." can u run a support group that helps other ppl out of what u found with ur own illness. like that? ill keep thinking of things. its all there, only for u to pick and run with. ur dreams too of the flooding represent this and the times ur going thru. its just a holdover period. all will change again and again. ur in a temp pattern. its all TEMP anyway. and that gives relief, instead of grief. all will 'tilt', again. ur HS is telling u WATER. it cleanses. it floods, it purifies, its a new beginning. u will figure it out. we will help u from the tribe here. just to talk about it is helpful, i realize. ideas will FLOW. just like WATER.
GNOTHI SEAUTON "Know Thyself!"