Topic: Scary memory resurfaces. Crisis of conscience follows.
Before i tell this story i want to openly acknowledge that this may well have little to do with Aliens/ Matrix theories or concepts. I do not know what happened and maybe there is a completely different explanation. In my desperation to reconcile an experience that i do not comprehend perhaps i am overreaching or not looking in the right area for some kind of answer or understanding. My apologies in advance if folks feel this post is inappropriate.
A few days ago i overheard a couple of 10yo kids talking about one of their classmates who got a blood nose during school. Whilst i was listening/ eavesdropping, i had a full force and vivid recollection of an event that had happened to me many years ago. I was stunned and alarmed to remember the incident and feel all of the negative feelings that i associate with it. I was also alarmed to observe the manner in which i had avoided giving this matter any real attention for so long and recognised that those same negative feelings have swum around inside of me at some subconcious, inner level ever since.
Anyway, let me blurt out what happened. Make of it what you will.
I went to a party in the city. It was held at the house of my cousin. I had not seen her or her older sister for many years so in some ways it was a bit of a reunion. It was a Friday night and the older sister was working at a local pub/ bar as a waitress. Her shift finished at midnight and it was her intention to walk to the party after work. ( approx 15 min walk ). So it was my plan to leave the party at 11:40 and meet her and basically walk her home. When the time came i confirmed the directions to the bar/ pub with her younger sister ( the hostess ) and took off.
I should point out that i had only just got my driver's licence and had to borrow a car to get to the party. I also had scored a spot in the very lucrative Saturday morning shift at work and had to be at work early the next day. Therefore i was not drinking alcohol/ taking any drugs or anything like that. Parking in that part of the city was terrible, especially on a Friday night. I had to park the car several streets away and did'nt like my chances of finding another spot later, which is why i walked to meet my cousin.
Anyway, i remember leaving the house and looking back over my shoulder at the party. I was wondering what the neighbours were thinking about all the noise etc. I looked back up ahead to some distant traffic lights where i knew i had to make a left turn.....
.... The next thing i can remember is that i was sitting in the driver's seat of the car. It was parked a couple of hundred metres away in the opposite direction from where i was last heading. My vision was all blurry and weird and i was blinking a lot and shaking my head trying to clear it. I felt disorientated. I looked over to the digital clock on the dashboard just in time to see it click over to exactly 6 am. This is the time i had told myself earlier i would have to leave in order to arrive at work on time if i ended up staying the night at my cousins house. Where had the last 6 hours gone? I was confused and vague but i did not feel any sense of panic. That happened next when i looked at myself in the rear view mirror.
My face and neck were sprayed with dried blood. Literally sprayed. Definitely blood. Like someone had dipped a big paintbrush and then flicked it forcefully into my face. As you can imagine, i freaked out completely. I frantically began searching my body for injury. My hands, my face, arms, legs everything. I jumped out of the car and started tearing my clothes off looking for some wound that i could not feel. I found nothing. Not a bruise, a scratch, a cut. I checked my hands again. No marks of any kind. No pain anywhere either. I looked again in the mirror to check my face and noticed 2 things that were really strange, on top of all this strangeness. Firstly, none of the blood was smudged. It had dried and i had not wiped it from my lips, nostrils, eyelids etc. Also, the blood on my throat stopped suddenly in a horizontal line around my neck. Near my " Adam's apple ". It really stood out now that i had my shirt off, like a line of sunburn. The effect was like i had been wearing a smock/ cape like thing with a collar or maybe like looking over the edge of a fence or something before being sprayed? I checked my shirt and other clothes and there was not one single bit of blood on them anywhere. No drops/ flecks/ smudges. How could that be? I checked myself and my clothing over and over again and i could not find a single clue to what had transpired. No rips or tears, no dirty scuffs, no stains. No blood on clothes or shoes. My keys/ wallet/ money was all still in my pockets. I was really distressed by this point and kind of pacing around in circles and crying. I just could not digest the information. Nothing made sense. Still does'nt.
Eventually i got dressed again and used my t-shirt and spit to scrub the blood off. I drove to work in a complete daze and remember little of the trip at all. I was really spaced out when i arrived and just sat in the car for a while. Eventually someone came out to the parking lot and asked me what i was doing. I did'nt really know what to say. I went in and tried to do my work but i felt like a slow, rusty old robot. Numb and dumb. I got nothing done. After a little while i remembered my cousins and panicked all over again. I rang them and i am glad to say the eldest one made it home to the party ok. They told me that the night before they had been concerned at first, once they realised i was'nt with either of them. In the end they assumed that i must of decided to have a beer or 17 at a bar while i was waiting and maybe got silly drunk or " picked up " or something..... When i said i could'nt remember what happened they laughed and said i must of had a very good time then. I did'nt tell them about the blood etc...i felt terrible that i had not thought of their welfare straight away and was just relieved that they were alright. They said also that there was no trouble at the party and things went smoothly.
I did confide in some other people in the following couple of days. I showed these other people my now stained t-shirt in an effort to validate my weird story, however no one seemed to take me seriously despite my distress. Which is to say that they seemed to reach for the easiest and most simplistic conclusion despite the evidence that i felt was to the contrary.
"Clearly you got pissed and got in to a fight. You must of won. Now chill out and change the channel will you?...." or " yeah that seems a bit strange. Want a cup of tea? " type of thing. Totally dismissive and not interested. I don't really know what anybody could have said but i did'nt find these responses very helpful and they just compounded my feelings of estrangement and isolation. As my personal self- doubt/ fear/ guilt/ confusion/ paranoia etc began to grow it was'nt too long before i stopped talking to people about it and really withdrew. I did not go to the police. I must be fair and admit that i was greatly troubled by the thought that perhaps i had hurt somebody. I still am. Things still don't add up in that particular scenario but the blood had to come from somewhere .......did'nt it?
Like most people i have had many experiences that have challenged, changed, and rocked the boat of my beliefs and perceptions. Fell down, got up again. Been amazed, been scared. Won some, lost some. Seen, heard and felt plenty of weird shit. Rolled along as best as i could. This is really testing me though, somewhere deep. I can't feel the way to approach it or deal with it.
Did i hurt someone?
That thought is just.....crippling me.
