a good day

I don’t really know how to explain this, was just sharing tea with thook and the experiences of “last night“? are still crystallizing.  Was home alone and up with sick kitty in the cabin.  Kitty stressed over relocation (previous caregiver had passed on) and possibly deciding to make an exit.  Had read a very moving story about Jingle Baba, a camel, from the Fear no more zoo, about how because we do not understand death and it’s connection to life so we remove our self from the life process…that we cannot withdraw from others until we have withdrawn from ourselves, and that we withdrawn because of our inability to accept death.   Very moving piece.  So, sitting up with kitty, bored, turned on telly, abrasive, you really experience that when you don’t watch it, Olympics etc, night talk shows, news…so much abrasion.  Decided to just lay quietly and try to focus, meditate.  Felt the tightness in my chest, the shallow breathing, the withdrawal from life.  Continued to breathe and reflecting.  Felt all the dispersing of energy to every possible experience, everyone that I know or have known.  Some call it identities, call it whatever you want.  Felt the going out in every direction energy coming from my core.  Felt the exhaustion of such.  Felt how exhausting this state is where energy is going everywhere.  Breathed more, relaxed more.Thought of all the younger people that I know that are still embracing experience, going here, going there, one Indigo just had an accident on Mt. Shasta falling and piercing her trachea on an ice pick.  In the hospital, doing okay.  Reflected on where I was at at her age, where I have been since her age, and if someone were to ask, would you do it all over again, would say no.  Felt how as you reach the flip side of a lifehood, where you are closer to the exit than the beginning there is a profound relief, profound.  So, traveled a bit more to the end of this lifehood and felt how the leaving of form is something desired.  The words read so long ago that our creative energy follows our desire.  We desire that rest that comes after a lifehood of exploration.  Traveled a bit farther to soul life.  Could feel the experience of multiple creations experienced in multiple densities and realities.  Very close to simultaneous time but not quite.  Could not recall specifics but could definitely feel the experience of it in a simultaneous way.   Traveled a bit farther…past the soul identity of something that has plagued me, fear of merging with the ocean and loosing sense of soul awareness.  Once past that felt the pull of merging with the godhead or whatever you choose to call it and that it was a rest I in fact very much wanted.  There has been for me anyway, such a fear of the ultimate merging, that I would be swallowed up by the ocean of creative force and not remember who I am.  Last night came to a different place with it all.  It was like after eons of exploration, all simultaneous,  that the merging is actually the greatest longing…the rest after a long journey.  From that point realized that we are definitely awake.  Indeed it is all perceived in reverse, that we are asleep and need to awaken.  We cannot experience 3d, 4d, any density or dimension unless we are fully awake to it.  To see green we must perceive every color but green and the absence of the green wave length to make a leaf or blade of grass look green.  Same for solidity.  In truth the wood of my desk is mostly air, but I perceive it as solid.  The only way I can perceive solidity when there is none, or color when there is none is by being fully awake to the reality.  It could not happen any other way.  So the statement that we are already awake is in fact true.  We do everything in reverse, thinking  we are asleep and need to awaken.  I used to think that when I slept I “left my body“? even tho I had read to the contrary.  We rest our body but don’t leave it.  Yes, there are the obe’s that are distinguishable, but ordinary resting of body, we don’t leave.  Having experiences of such last few days.  We are so totally awake to earth life round the clock.  The robotic motions, the on automatic are but identities, one of thousands we construct to have an experience of 3d.  But even in automatic mode we still perceive color and form when in fact there is none.  I think what dobbs was trying to say is we let go of our awareness, rest, sleep, so that we actually re-member.   What is happening to me is feeling that if I rest, allow the sleep to 3d then I start re-membering the primary connection.  Also an understanding of “old soul“? as there can never be age in infinite.  Each being has a core and within that core spawns multiple realities which spawn multiple experiences.  All originate in the infinite timeless now.  An old soul would just be one that has expanded into multiple densities and experiences to a greater degree than a “young“? soul who is still in the massive exploration stage.  We each explore as we so desire, an old soul simply reaching the point of extending the core energy into so many simultaneous realities that the desire is to reclaim the extensions and “go home“?, the drop that goes back to the ocean.  Nothing more than after a wonderful vacation being happy to be home.  I have never in this lifehood, reached the point of desiring to loose soul identity.  It was always so paramount that when I did “awaken“? I would retain awareness of self in soul sense.  Today that has cease to matter and in fact desire the rest that comes with no identity.  What happens at that point, not a clue.  Only know it feels so inviting to have no thing that one is tied to…the fear of the drop merging is gone.  Amazing for me, as this has been a personal struggle.  As I walk down the steps from the loft see that I would have to be so totally awake to perceive solid steps that are in truth air.  I see clouds that are produced by fractals and sacred geometry; same with the trees and everything else I see.  I see a green forest when in fact it is every color but green.  In order to perceive such a construct I would have to be awake…no other explanation.  Where this all goes, be interesting to “see“?.  What I read from dobbs no longer seems like such a strange concept, the awake/sleep thing.  Did it all change in 1945…still don’t know.  Figure I will know when I know.  Presently calling in energies dispersed in multiple directions, accepting the fact I am awake and seeing where the next turn of events takes me.  This is a good day.