• From: The Singularity
  • Registered: 2005-09-23

Topic: Time Loops, Glitches, The Void, etc.

As some of you know about a month ago, just before the last full moon I went through a major breakdown.  It felt as if I got "unplugged" from everything.  Work, friends, love-life.  Everthing that I knew got pulled out from under me, and it felt as if there was some heavy manipulation involved.  I was having crazy dreams, and it felt like there were negative beings in my house every night.  I had this sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach and it would not go away.  I got very ill, and lost about 10 pounds, which is more than my body can spare.

I was left in this nothingness, this void.  Though I have been there before, I still went through some major resistance (got angry, cried, depressed, angry again, etc.) What I eventually found was that even in the nothingness I still had me, and that's what got me through.  I told myself:  I know who I am, I know what I am about, and NOBODY can take that from me.

Stop resisting. 

Since the eclipse two weeks ago things have been very strange indeed.  First I thought I might be moving to Hawaii because somebody I know there is looking for another doc.  I thought maybe that's where I need to be.  That there's nothing for me here in Phoenix.  It's time to go.

Then I went to Michigan for a few days to go to my cousin's wedding.  I spent a few days telling everybody that I might be going to Hawaii.  I started making that my reality.  Well the night before I was to return I went out to a bar with my brother, Nick, and his girlfriend.  We were standing against a wall and my brother mentioned how all everybody did nowdays was go out and drink.  He thought it was a sign of a decaying society, and I agreed. 

Just then some person that I don't know walked up to Nick and said hello, and how he had heard about what happened to his brother (me) and how sorry that he was.  We both glanced at each other, and then Nick said "Um, my brother's right here standing next to me!"  The other guy stopped and looked at me and said that he had heard there was some accident and that I had died. 

At that moment everything suddenly shifted and I knew that if I were to go to Hawaii that it would be the end of me.  Well so much for that idea!

I'll leave out some stuff because this is getting long.  Short story is in the last week since I returned, I met a girl who I really like (yay!), an I've run into several people from the past that I have "unfinished business" with.  All sorts of strange coincidences, etc.  Sound familiar?

Something else that I had mentioned in a previous post, and just read earlier in another thread, is the feeling that things have been on repeat.  I described it as life being a broken record, and no matter how far we come, the needle hits a scratch and the same old crusty song and dance starts over again.

I have had this feeling for a while.  We've all heard about how we have come here to learn lessons, etc.  Well frankly it seems like it hasn't mattered whether I learn them or not.  They just keep repeating over and over again.  Maybe this is changing now?

I dunno if this post is making any sense, but if anybody else has been going through similar experiences, I wanna know about it!

It is not for us to understand love, but simply to make space for it.
  • Registered: 2005-03-07

Re: Time Loops, Glitches, The Void, etc.

tenetnosce wrote:

I described it as life being a broken record, and no matter how far we come, the needle hits a scratch and the same old crusty song and dance starts over again.

...What has made the difference for me in breaking out of time loops is risk . 

I was reading in a Carolyn Myss book last night about a man who told her that he'd rather save a person from a burning building than have to tell a good friend that they're an addict. 

I bring that up because, by risk, I don't necessarily mean physical risks--I mean emotional risks.

The biggest type of emotional risk (a risk that is more likely to impact me mentally/emotionally than physically), for me, in my life, is telling the truth to those closest. 

Yes, I do identify with that "nothingness" you posted about.  For me, it is like being stuffed into a corner of my mind and watching my life unfold, hearing myself speak, etc., etc. from a damp cave.  I had a friend who recently told me that for a period of about a month last year he literally lived out-of-body, watching himself and others from a corner in the room.  Actually, he was perceiving both perspectives at the same time--with his point of view mostly third-person.  He thought he was going crazy.  That's what I call the "flight" of fight or flight.  His awareness dislocated from his body because it was too painful to live in his body.  (He was going through a break-up smile ).   

Looking back, though, I'm inclined to say that what ended the cycle of apathy, or dislocation, was finding the courage to tell the truth (either to myself, and often, especially to others). 

One of worst stretches in my marriage was because I felt spiritually out-of-sync with my partner.  But, I never told her that.  I felt saying it out loud would make me sound superior, and I had convinced myself that she was "stuck" or "caught in the matrix" if you like, and I also thought that she was too fragile for the full truth. 

Once I spoke the truth of my feelings, though, everything shifted for the better.  It took me risking to hurt her, though; risking to have enough self-respect to ask for in my outer life what I had in my inner.

I hope it doesn't come across as overly simplistic, but for me, as I understand it, all growth comes from a risk.  A leaping.  Not necessarily moving to another state or country, but at least dignifying your feelings by giving them expression. 

"Spiritual" people, I think, often have a hard time with this because they're so empathetic.  I refrain from speaking my mind because I can feel (literally) in advance what effect my remark will have on them.  And I don't mean intentionally hurtful remarks from me, I mean simple observations.  The emotional balance of many people is so strained that even neutral observations can upset them.  But, as I see it, we don't grow without some upset.  ...The mark of an advanced (old) soul is that they're able to learn and grow from upsets that are both internal and external, purposefully negative, neutral, or levelled at them through selfishness and lack of reflection.

Empathy is a b*tch sometimes, but really, I think it's the highest spiritual ability.  A person can have direct knowing of whatever they want to know, but without empathy, they have little chance of approaching goodness.

Sometimes the hurt you're feeling isn't all your hurt.  It was a relief for me to realize that.  It took me a while to be able to discern whether I was processing the pain of myself or the pain of others.  There is a collective pain being broadcast right now.  One can say Hello to it, fully feel it, and be done with, laugh at it, or complain about it and be stuck in it.  At full moons, or at other potentially negative astrological events, we have a choice of participating in the energy or temporarily living it and making the best of it like you'd make the best of your morning even though there's a jackhammer sounding off out your window.

Whenever I find a person particularly troubling, for instance, I tell myself that no matter what they say, I'll find them funnier and funnier as they talk to me.  It works. 

The trick is remembering choice.

You can't change a tiger's stripes,
but you can avoid its teeth.