Re: A few questions about Professional Wrestling
This is the silliest thread of all time. I mean, on any message board. Ever. Hmmmmn. It can only get sillier. Let's make some phone calls, shall we?
A-ring-a-ding-ding!
Voice: Yes? Hello?
Me: Hello. I'm trying to reach Lord Rothschild. Is he available right now?
Voice: I believe the master is in the middle of a ritual ceremo ... I mean, he's conducting some important business elsewhere on the estate. Who is this?
Me: Oh, uhhh, I just had a question for Mr. Rothschild. Do you think you can pass it along?
Voice: Why, certainly, sir. Go ahead....
Me: Okay. I wanted to know if he could pass a message along to his master, Satan? Okay, about this whole coming Apocalypse thing in 2012? Me and a group of friends on an Internet forum think that we can avoid this whole cheesy fire and brimstone event by simply having Christ and the Dark Lord duke it out in a celebrity spiritual wrestling match!
Voice: Uhhhh. Okay. Who did you say this was again?
Me: Oh, sorry. I represent a private group of individuals who believe that wrestling can bring the primeval forces of light and darkness back into universal oneness and understanding. We want to avoid Armageddon at all costs. It's just too damned messy and inconvenient, and we don't know if wrestling would be a part of the New Heaven and the New Earth. And we really like wrestling....
Voice: Hmmmn. How interesting. Perhaps I can take your number, sir? I will have the master return your call later.
Me: Awesome, thanks. Here it is.
Voice: Thank you. Rest assured that you will be hearing from us very soon. Goodbye, sir.
CLICK!
Well, what a friendly sort he was! Time for another phone call.
A-ring-a-ding-ding!
Voice: Hello. Vatican switchboard. How may I direct your call?
Me: Yeah, I want to speak to that old guy. You know, the one who wears the hat and robes?
Voice: You want to speak to the Pope?
Me: Yeah, that guy. I need him to pass along a message to the Messiah.
Voice: Excuse me? You want His Holiness to say a prayer for you?
Me: Well, not exactly. I want him to ask the Only Begotten Son of God if he will participate in a wrestling match to be hosted during the Winter Solstice eight years from now? I already spoke to an associate of Lord Rothschild in an effort to get the Evil One signed up. We think that we can bring the universe back into balance and harmony without need of the Apocalypse, if only we can get them in the ring together at the same time. Here's my number where I can be reached.
Voice: I see. Well, the pope is very busy right now, but I will be sure to pass along your message. Will there be anything else?
Me: Ummmmn, yeah. Is Mel Gibson there right now? I'm a big fan!
Voice: No, sir, he most definately isn't here. Goodbye.
CLICK!
Hmmn. I think I preferred talking to the other guy. Damned intolerant Christians!
A-ring-a-ding-ding!
Hey, my phone is ringing! Wonder who it could be?
Me: Hello?
Voice: We know who you are.
Me: I beg your pardon?
Voice: We know who you are. We know where you live. We know everything about you. We have been monitoring your calls from this location. This will be your first and only warning. Stop making trouble, or you will be dealt with.
CLICK!
Well, how rude! Obviously someone out there doesn't like the idea of bringing the universe back into balance and oneness through the power of wrestling. I wonder why? I need some insight on this. Someone who knows about wrestling. I know!
A-ring-a-ding-ding!
Voice: WHAT??!
Me: Ah, is this Mr. Hogan? Mr. Hulk Hogan?
Voice: So what if it is? Who is this and what do you want? I'm a busy man!
Me: I just need a moment of your time, Mr. Hogan. It's really important....
Voice: Alright, you got five minutes and not one second more! If you start jacking me around, I'm gonna come on over there and bring some serious trouble down on your ass! You got that?
Me: Well, that sounds most unpleasant, whatever it means. I just have one question for you.
Voice: Well, get on with it! You just wasted ten seconds already!
Me: Okay, well....
Voice: Grrrrrrrrrrr!
Me: Well, you see I'm trying to arrange a celebrity spiritual wrestling match between Christ and Satan. You know, bring the powers of Light and Darkness back into balance through conflict ... like Neo did with Agent Smith at the end of The Matrix Revolutions? Yeah! That way, we can get them to fight each other and leave the rest of us alone. No need to kill off millions of innocent people! No need to risk creating a world without wrestling in it! So I called Lord Rothschild and the Pope, to try and arrange it for us. But ... now I'm being threatened with my life!
Voice: What are you, some kind of an idiot??
Me: Excuse me? What do you mean?
Voice: Don't you realize that if you bring the polarities into balance then the universe will cease to exist?? The universe is about creating conflict, you moron! You got to have duality to have conflict, and you got to have conflict to have wrestling, even if it is fake!
Me: I hadn't thought of that! Wow. Are all wrestlers this smart?
Voice: Smart?? It isn't about being smart! It's about making money, dick head!
Me: Huh?
Voice: You think people get rich without understanding this? Conflict makes money! Wars make people rich! No one's gonna risk that, and I mean no one! It's too much of a good thing!
Me: So, there's still gonna be conflict after 2012? I can still enjoy watching wrestling every Saturday night in front of my big screen TV?
Voice: Damn straight! Now leave me alone. I'm retired for God's sake!
CLICK!
Well, that settles that! I hope that answers your question, Moralman. Looks like wrestling's still gonna be around for a long time to come, even after 2012 and the coming Apocalypse. I feel so much better now! Just one more phone call to ensure that everything goes as planned!
A-ring-a-ding-ding!
Voice: Yes? Hello?
Me: Hello. Is that Mr. Schwarznegger?
Voice: This is ze Governator of California I vill have you know! Ah-ha-ha!
Me: Okay, I just....
Voice: But you must call me "Sir Schwarzenegger" now!
Me: Okay, Sir, I just....
Voice: I not make moviez anymore!
Me: Well, that's a shame, I just...
Voice: I make ze laws, now! In California!
Me: Yeah. Listen up for a second ... uh, Sir. I need you to do something for me.
Voice: Erghghhhhghhg ... maybe I vill, and maybe I von't! You must ask nicely!
Me: I'll try. I understand that you're going to be running for President in 2008?
Voice: Who told you zat? No one is supposed to know! It is ssssssecret!
Me: Oh, I guess I just assumed a man with your obvious talents would wish to....
Voice: Of course! Governator is just stepping stone! Ah-ha! You vill zee!
Me: Wasn't that supposed to be a secret?
Voice: Unnnnhhhhhnhnhn ... It is! Forget you heard anyzink!
Me: Alright, well. Should you just "happen" to become President in 2008....
Voice: I vill!
Me: Yeah, okay ... when you become President....
Voice: Sssecret!
Me: I know, but when you do I need you to invade Israel immediately.
Voice: Oh, I vill! I go in zere with my gun and I kill all of zem!
Me: No, Sir, I mean for you to send in your military forces. You know, declare war on them?
Voice: Erghggghhhh ... I am thinking! Unnnnhnhnh ... Why you need me to do zis?
Me: Well, to bring about Judgement Day as was predicted in the Bible.
Voice: Oh! We did zat already in Terminator 3! You waste my time! Goodbye now!
CLICK!
Rats....