ramblings to accompany the falling snow

so, today i have been thinking of who i am.  i notice my self exhibiting the traits and tics of my parents, and that sort of...distresses me?   i find my self saying what my father would say in a situation, or reacting like my mother would.  then the second after i speak or react, i think "man, what the hell?  that's not how i wanted it to go.  that's not how i really feel."  but by then it's too late, the transaction has ended and my part has been played out.  so i remind my self to keep mindful of my self and my thoughts. 

i look in the mirror and see my father's eyes and my mother's nose.  my grandfather's receding and thinning hairline that morphs into my father's haircut.  i drive my car and notice i hold the wheel like my father.  i don't laugh aloud, because it sounds like my mother's laugh and would sound too feminine, although the people i laugh around don't know my mother so it wouldn't matter, right? 
i tried too hard to not be my parents, deliberately doing things i knew they would disapprove of.  yeah, i know, that's what teenage angst and rebellion is all about, but see, when i was a teenager i wanted to talk back to them and act like a "normal" teenager, but i knew they would be upset with me, so i kept it inside.  then i started drinking and it came out in violent outbursts at my friends, who really weren't my friends, but people who kept me around to entertain them with my childishness and drunkenness.
by the time i started to assert my self, it was too late.  my mother would say, "do what you want, you're x years old, i can't stop you."  great.  thanks mom.  they never encouraged me to pursue anything and told me "you don't want to do that", but now, i'm still looking for their approval and no matter what i do they are still at the back of my mind.  it's strange, when i read or watch a movie i observe the characters and think "hey, it's them acting, not their parents.  hank rearden is his own man, tyler durden does what he wants (sort of), joel parrish acts on his own...."   
yes, i know, they are fictional characters, but you get my point i hope.  it's the same when i wait on customers or am out with friends; they are their own persons, but i hear my parents' voices before my own thoughts.  even now, one of them will call me and ask me to come over and shovel snow.  even though they have neighbors that would do it for them.  what if i lived in a different state?  then what would they do? 
listen to me.  i sound like such a heel, don't i?  i'm supposed to be the good son.  but is that all that i am?  all that i will ever be?
what about me?  is that being "selfish"?  what's wrong with wanting my own life?

okay.  now, i am going to go and shave and shower because i feel and look like a scumbag. 
i wish you all the best and maybe i'll get some sort of response and we can talk about this thing.

-ERT

so now i'm thirty-1 and still going through periodic episodes of teen angst; it's no wonder i feel like i'm going crazy.