ALERT: Another long one...
It seems, for me, that when I do venture out to explore outside "tools" such as dowsing, crystals, psychics etc., some part of myself keeps nagging me, knowing that I'm avoiding the deeper, subtler work I need to keep doing on myself; and that if I am willing to be with not having an "answer" in the moment, I will eventually understand within myself, in the way that I am meant to. ...I can't argue that any of these tools can be used to aid some people's healing; however, for me, as much as I'd love to benefit from outer implements, I have a distrust, perhaps from some past--and I'll admit I have plenty of distrust--that has seen what reliance on or misuse of such things can do. It seems I'm continually being made aware that I can't benefit much in this life from such things; that for me, it is time for them to fall away.
...Over the last several years, I've come to perceive myself as crawling out of quite a deep hole during this lifetime, having spent several "lifetimes" slowly slipping, oh so subtly entrapping myself, overall, in the darker forces--after perhaps having perceived myself as an agent for "light" for a long time before that. ...As I keep working toward recognizing what "light" is truly about, which I'm declaring is that force I am striving for, trusting that it is gradually unfolding within me--I'm called back to keep recognizing the opposite "darkness," on one level after another.
...We "exist" on so many different levels. We are so vast--"who" is "I?" "What" is "I?" ...The clumsy words we have as our medium here for sharing what we really know are laughable, or rather, sad. ...I guess, at this moment of clarity I feel today, this is the view I have--that we have to keep going, into the unknown within us, that is reflected without. When I feel anxious for an "answer," which is much of the time, perhaps it is just one frantic part of my consciousness, which clings to hope that there is such a thing. --Ask the pendulum--it's all so clear--YES/NO
I just don't trust myself with such things right now. I know I've fallen big for the lies in some past, fooled and entrapped myself with a huge ego. ...It has been a hell of a lot of inner work so far to start to gain clarity. ...As much as I KNOW my energy is tipped toward being a 'good person,' and must keep going in that direction, some part of me I now recognize has still felt somehow "beholden to bullshit," and this is what I feel I am trying to make an active break from right now. From other's perspectives I am quite a decent person; however, I am at the moment aware of how much I am deceiving myself in so many ways in my life right now that I am not happy with; though of course, it does give me peace, to continue to have more and more clarity about the energies at work within. ...I was reading the info at the casseopaea (sp?) site about "psychopaths," and I think Tom had some insight at his site also. ...I'd already recognized years ago that part of me can perfectly understand that type of personality within myself. I very much was aware of a sort of shadow of this type, perhaps some residual of my past, that was kept in check within me. ...It is a bit scary, the moments of really facing the so-called "darkness" within; but, of course, there is the peace afterward, the knowing that it is within your search for Truth that it has been uncovered. Gosh, if I look back at all the awareness I've come to the last several years....
...I can't help the image that just popped into my head, from the Jim Henson fantasy movie, The Dark Crystal. The replacing of the crystal shard into the larger crystal healed the land; and the two races, the good, kind, gentle beings--The Mystics; and the nasty, ugly, power-hungry Skeksis merged, to form new wise and powerful beings.
...I'm in this sort of philosophical reverie, after having had a few days of intense emotional catharis--something common for me the last several years. I was recognizing anew the level of good and love that there indeed is on this earth, that my habitual nature seems to have trouble fully trusting, continuing the apparently slow work of cracking through this tough exterior.
...It was as if I made a space for several disconnected personalities within me to make themselves known, to be allowed to be heard, and begin to heal. A few were younger human personas, maybe parts of me from this lifetime I'd been separated from, consciously or not. I just let myself keep sobbing and sobbing, as I tried to 'soothe' them, and let them start to--what shall I say--rejoin my conscious awareness.
...Then there was an inner vision of a kind of dino-reptilian type face, and I was overwhelmed with a weariness, a sense of just being so tired of this game. He/I am ready for something new. This way isn't getting the world anywhere. I sobbed some more. This was, I felt, one feeling/energy/being that has been with me for a long, long time. At the same time, I was, in facing the reptilian part, able to acknowledge and appreciate anew what I sensed was perhaps the 'good' part of that "race's" traits--what felt like an ethic of very determined and hard-work, of valuing tradition, and some other things I can't seem to articulate right now--which are within me.
...I cried and cried yesterday, as I remembered my grandmother who passed away a year ago. What a loving presence she was in my life. It was as if I could sense on a new level what a gift she had been in my life; and how I wished I could have better appreciated that when she was alive.
...Well, I could apparently go on and on right now. It feels good to be able to share myself in this way here, (as unrelated as it is to the stated 'topic' of this thread--sorry.) (...Believe it or not, there ARE times when I don't take myself/life so seriously
; it's just where I am right now--I am gleaning a lot from it.) ...It has taken giving myself a lot of compassion to continue the level of inner work I have; which in turn, allows more compassion for everything outside. Yes, I'd say compassion is the big ingredient. I continue to infuse myself with feelings of love, clarity, balance, understanding--those are the big ones right now that seem to help me keep unfurling in the right direction.