1 Topic by Matthew

  • Matthew
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Topic: Confused and Troubled

Hello fellow truthseekers. I have been very depressed lately and am seeing if you guys might be able to help me. What follows is a lot of information about myself. I want to give you guys as much information about myself as possible so I can see what insights you all have to offer. I feel like I really need some help. I don't know where to turn except here.

I have been confused and disorientated for a while by the thoughts that plague me. I don't even know where to begin to explain my position. I am in need of help. Life has been very hard for me lately. I go to UC Santa Cruz, am generally not friendly (despite that I want to be,) and find it difficult articulating my thoughts. I think my disorientation may be attributed in part to the sideeffects the shift produces. When I focus on my crown and brow chakra, I feel pressure build up and it feels like my skull is expanding. I also feel my valves in my ear open up and more blood rush into my ears warming them up. I also feel the skin under my eyes warm up to sometimes occupanied by pressure in my eyes and pressure at the top of my nose. I question myself constantly about which actions I should take and am often very uncertain what I should do. I stress over the smallest decisions like,

"Should I eat the pizza? Hmmm... I am not really craving pizza right now, but then again I haven't had pizza in a while. I have been eating very healthy, it might not hurt. ummm... OK I'll just eat it, it doesn't really matter anyways. I shouldn't make a big deal out of deicisions like this. Then again, pizza is not very healthy for my physical body and might even affect my mental state negatively....etc"

I scrutinize over the tiniest deicions all the time. I really bugs me. I know I shouldn't. I am also always unsure of myself even though I shouldn't be. For example, the other day someone asked me if it rained over the weekend on a Monday. I really had to contemplate this because the weekend for me seemed like such a long time ago (My perception of time has really changed). My initial thoughts were that it didn't and I was pretty certain it didn't, but there was still that doubt in me like "what if I am wrong?" I think perhaps I am too open minded, or maybe I am just not in alignment with the majority of humanity at the moment.

I also think I have supressed emotions that need to be released. I haven't cried in a very very long time. Its probably been more than 5 yrs. I feel depressed alot, but I do go through 2 week to a month phases of intense creativity, happiness, and increased intelligence. These phases usually only ocurr once or twice a year.

My father is one of the best if not the best mechanical and optical engineers in the world. You can look him up if you want, his name is Robert Haring. I owe my philosophical and analytical thinking in part to my dad. Him and I would philosophize when he would drive me to my roller and ice hockey games. However, he was not a very good fatherly figure to me. He never took me fishing or played catch with me. We didn't bond much.  I don't hold a grudge against him though, I realize this situation was placed before me for me to get out of. I think the absense of a fatherly figure had an affect on me. I was not a very friendly brother to my two sisters growing up. I didn't give them any brotherly love or advice.

I act really nice to everyone at my college, but I feel like everyone talks trash about me behind my back. I feel like a 12 year old kid most of the time. My heart aches most of the time. I am also notorious for going off an tangents. Sometimes I get frustrated that I can't relate to anyone. I feel lonely a lot of the time.

Also sometimes I feel like I have no right to be bitching about my life when others' are much worse. This makes me feel more depressed. I have been becoming telepathic as well on top of this. I can easily see through people and want to find people that are real. I am not very good at networking. I am very friendly though. I am never angry. I am very calm most of the time. I contradict myself all the time though.

I was not always like this. This is a new phenomena for me to be chaotic like this mentally. I know I can get out of this state and am determined.

Well, I hope its not mean of me to just give you guys a ton of information for you guys to sift through. All of your thoughts will be greatly appreciated. I look forward to hearing your responses.

2 Reply by Matthew

  • Matthew
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Re: Confused and Troubled

I apologize for all the disorganized information. I just have information overload right now. I need things to be simplified, before I can start articulating and focusing on one thing at a time. Its like I get an idea which triggers three ideas which trigger more ideas. I am constantly filled with information overload.

3 Reply by wandering1 (edited by wandering1 2006-02-09 21:40:29)

  • Registered: 2004-04-01

Re: Confused and Troubled

Just a suggestion to consider talking to someone professional about what you are going through.  I think that it is highly likely that there is a counseling staff at UC Santa Cruz.

You are not alone.  Many people have difficulty going through periods of adjustment (plus I think that life is always a period of adjustment).

I think that UC Santa Cruz and that geographic area is considered to be one of the more progressive places in the US.  Look around for people that you might be able to relate to.

Also, the forests there are beautiful.  You can walk out of the forest and then have a beautiful view of the ocean.

4 Reply by Matthew (edited by Matthew 2006-02-09 21:49:54)

  • Matthew
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Re: Confused and Troubled

I have considered seeking professional help, but then I think that the therapist will just prescribe me prozac or something. That thought, however, might be far from the truth. I also think, though, that when I start explaining this shift of conciousness stuff, the therapist will just label me crazy or something. I doubt the therapist would be able to figure me out. I am an extremely rare breed.

Also, looking back on my first post. I think I made myself to look more troubled than I actually am. I am not very careful with what I say. From now on, on this forum I will intend upon being careful with what I say.

5 Reply by wandering1 (edited by wandering1 2006-02-09 21:52:16)

  • Registered: 2004-04-01

Re: Confused and Troubled

Yes, it is likely that many therapists will not be able to relate to the shift of consciousness possibilities.

I have a feeling that the shift of consciousness is bringing many things to the surface.

However, other things that you desribe are pretty common for people at whatever age, but particulary for the late teens/early twenties.

That can be a time of major questioning.

Also, I think that typically college counselors are not psychiatrists and are not able to prescribe medication.

  • From: aworld w/out invisible borders
  • Registered: 2005-06-09

Re: Confused and Troubled

Well, it has been said before, but maybe "the answers come from within".

Matthew wrote:

I scrutinize over the tiniest deicions all the time. I really bugs me. I know I shouldn't. I am also always unsure of myself even though I shouldn't be.

Maybe you are trying to say something to yourself? Do you feel like you should or shouldn't do certain things? 

This is the part of your post that stuck out the most for me.

Although I do not know the extent of your situation, I can say that I too have been in a state of depression before, but once that fog lifted, life has been more than great. smile

I really wish you the best! And hope everything goes well.

"Beyond the stars a new world awaits me now" - Wintersun

Natural Mystic's Website

7 Reply by Matthew

  • Matthew
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Re: Confused and Troubled

That's very true. I feel like I have no identity. Its hard having no identity while being in a world full of identities.

  • Registered: 2004-04-01

Re: Confused and Troubled

Matthew wrote:

I feel like I have no identity. Its hard having no identity while being in a world full of identities.

Yes, not so easy.  But maybe you can look at it as a play of possibilities . . . Flexibility and questioning can be helpful and useful.  I imagine it's difficult to feel like there is no anchor or centering point.

9 Reply by Matthew (edited by Matthew 2006-02-09 22:01:53)

  • Matthew
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Re: Confused and Troubled

I do love the flexibility. I can imagine and think of things most people can't. My comments I make are usually outside the box, so yes, I definitely like many of the ascepts of having very little identity. I just need to lift the fog before I can fully reap the benefits.

  • morningsun76
  • morningsun76
  • the answer has been with you the whole time
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  • From: In two worlds
  • Registered: 2004-09-10

Re: Confused and Troubled

Hi Matthew, welcome aboard.  The fact that everyone else seems sure of themselves only proves that they're probably beyond all hope.   That's the sad part.   If you're confused and not sure about what's going on, that just means you're actually paying attention.    That doesn't make it any easier, but at least with a questioning mind you have a chance of finding some kind of truth and sense in life. 

Matthew wrote:

I act really nice to everyone at my college, but I feel like everyone talks trash about me behind my back. I feel like a 12 year old kid most of the time. My heart aches most of the time. I am also notorious for going off an tangents. Sometimes I get frustrated that I can't relate to anyone. I feel lonely a lot of the time.

Being around "normal" people can be pretty toxic to your spirit.   I know myself and several others here have posted in the past about a common need we've found to isolate ourselves from the larger society.  This may be the case with you too, especially since you mention becoming telepathic, etc.   You're probably extra sensitive to the negative influence of being around regular people, and it can really bring you down a lot.

Here are some thoughts that occur to me, just based on my own experiences.  I'm not sure if it will be  relevant to you or not; so, as with everything, "take what resonates, leave the rest" as montalk says. 

Iif you're in college, maybe it's best for you to do your work, but cut out any unnecessary social interactions, especially with normals.   Avoid television.  Find some quiet space for yourself where you can rest, conserve your energy and ground yourself.   Consider learning to meditate to help get and stay centered.  These things, more than anything else, are what are important for me lately.  Also you may want to check out Karen Bishop's website, and see if you find it relevant to your own life.   

Anyway based on your posts I'm not sure whether these things will actually apply to you personally or not; hopefully some of it will be of use.   Best wishes ...

  • From: The one whirl
  • Registered: 2005-12-15

Re: Confused and Troubled

Matthew,

I had a difficult time when I first started going to college too.  It took me almost a year to get settled into my new situation and learn to enjoy it.  Like you, I was often picky about what I exposed myself to as far as people, food, experiences, etc.  I didn't have many friends and I was often depressed. 

Don't ever feel like you're alone in this situation!  Many of us have gone through similar experiences and still do from time to time.  I didn't realize it at the time back when I was feeling this way, but these experiences are the springboard for much greater things to come!  Hang in there and don't get discouraged about your situation.  Accept it for what it is and intend to move forward along your path. 

Focus on those positive aspects of yourself and share those with others.  Soon you will begin to see a whole new you being reflected back to you from other people.  Don't get discouraged by those who don't understand.  Resonance has it's way of filtering out what we do and don't need for our learning.

Doc: Marty, you're not thinking fourth dimensionally!
Marty McFly: Yeah, I know, I got a real problem with that.

plasticportal's Website

  • Registered: 2005-12-20

Re: Confused and Troubled

This link may help you out:

http://www.llresearch.org/library/a_wan … ndbook.pdf

13 Reply by Matthew

  • Matthew
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Re: Confused and Troubled

Thank you all for your posts.

Morningsun76, I agree with you on finding it necessary to isolate oneself from the larger society. What I really want would be to start a community somewhere away from the larger society. I don't know how to go about setting that up though or if there is one already set up, joining it. I basically want to walk the walk (I am aware of that section on the forum.) That would mean me giving up college though. I have the intellect to specialize in what ever field of study I want, but I wonder if it will be a futile effort. I wish I could join a spiritual, self sustaining community somewhere or perhaps start one.

I agree with you as well Ab about focusing on the now instead of looking in the past. When one looks upon the past and holds on to things in the past, it creates mental weights that slow down progress. In short it just increases the amount of useless information our brains have to sort through.

HeWhoCameFromMarysland, while sometimes I do get stuck in chaotic thought loops, I am not like that most of the time. When I wrote my first post I was like that, in part because I was high, (which is something I do like once every two weeks.) Sometimes it's tough getting out of those negative thought loops. I know Montalk has written articles on getting out of them and I'm sure lots of people here have advice that could help.

Thanks Plasticportal for your post. I think the future looks bright for me. I do need to focus more on what resonates with me and less on what doesn't, so thanks for the advice.

Poffo, thanks for the link. It looks like a very interesting read that I'll enjoy.

  • montalk
  • montalk
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  • Registered: 2004-03-24

Re: Confused and Troubled

I have gone through similar phases, Matthew, and the advice given so far on this thread covers most of what I would have responded with.

For me it was a couple things... a lack of fulfillment combined with guilt about procrastinating which further reinforced my feelings of immobility. Sometimes it was me going against the grain and getting ahead of myself, other times I think it was sheer programming to put me into a state of self-absorbed lassitude. It still tries to creep in occasionally but I have gotten better at nipping it in the bud.

Calming the mind and lifting my mood was essential. When I am in a negative state of mind, it becomes harder to distinguish between what the actual problem is and what I'm blowing out of proportion, plus the mental noise and emotional depression hinders my ability to take any needed action. So by finding fun things to do and shifting my perspective towards the positive side of things, I got myself out of the hole and became mentally sober.

When you're caught in a feedback loop of negativity, only willpower and time can get you out of it. Willpower is choice, and that's part of the problem. People caught up in negative feedback loops can make excuses for not getting out of it by citing all the reasons why they are justified in their position. They want to shift into positive mode with same lack of willpower that keeps them caught up in the negative. But for me, it takes turning within and willingly refocusing my thoughts to constructive ones, and shifting my emotional state to positive, for it to work. Other methods like food, chocolate, alcohol, etc... are temporary patches, but artificial highs create artificial lows and because it bypasses your willpower, when the lows happen you'll be too weak to get back to equilibrium on your own, which is how dependencies happen.

Anyway, so meditation, affirmation, humor, fun is a good start. Then you can do some serious self-analysis in a hopeful spirit without getting dragged back down into complacency. Seriously, there is more to making change than finding a reason...there must also be fire in the boiler, and an enthusiastic spirit really helps a clear mind do its thing.

There may be many causes at work here, even diet (get enough protein, calories, minerals, and vitamins...avoid artificial sweeteners, msg, and hydrogenated oils), but fixing external factors only clears the path for you to more easily pull yourself up by the bootstraps from within. The choice to pursue a soberly positive attitude through relentless willpower initiates a new feedback loop that becomes self-reinforcing and lets you ease up on the required effort. Then, in my experience at least, external opportunities open up that get you towards a more fulfilling path.

Acquiring fringe knowledge is like digging for diamonds in a mine field.

montalk's Website

15 Reply by dreamosis (edited by dreamosis 2006-02-10 20:14:30)

  • Registered: 2005-03-07

Re: Confused and Troubled

Hey, there, Matthew!

Matthew wrote:

I scrutinize over the tiniest deicions all the time. I really bugs me. I know I shouldn't.

I struggle with "paralysis by analysis" too.  And I used to be OCDish.  I used to check the lock after closing the door, walk to my car, have to walk back to check the lock again, walk to my car, drive away, then drive back to check the lock again.  It was irrational. 

I never saw a doctor, though.  Instead I found Carlos Castaneda books and cured myself by "stalking" myself.  For instance, I used to be very (crazy) particular about my keys being in my left pocket and my wallet in my right.  So I'd switch them.  I'd purposely leave my door unlocked and go to class.  I'd leave a book right in the middle of the kitchen floor and turn window blinds in random directions. 

Doing energywork helped, too.  To stop analyzing, I'd consciously switch my attention down to my heart chakra and perceive the world from there.  If I felt it automatically switch back to my head, I'd move it again and silently ask myself throughout the day, "What do I feel from him?  Her?  What am I feeling now?"


Matthew wrote:

I also think I have supressed emotions that need to be released. I haven't cried in a very very long time. Its probably been more than 5 yrs.

I made my wife laugh pretty hard last year when I laid down on our bed one evening.  She checked in on me and asked, "What are you doing?"  "I'm feeling," I replied. 

I'm such a nerd I actually scheduled blocks of time for feeling into my day last fall for a couple of weeks. 

This is what I did.  I just made it up.  I laid there and asked myself, "What are you feeling?"  Then, when I could feel what I was feeling I stayed with it, breathed, and tried to let my consciousness float in the expressive silence of emotion without commenting on it.  I also tried asking, "How sad?  How mad?  How this?"

Within a few days I was crying during commercials about starving children.  It got out of control.  The way I balanced it all was by learning how to let the feelings "burn out."  It's just staying with the feeling nonjudgmentally, letting it run its course, but not using it to justify anything or draw attention to yourself.

You can't change a tiger's stripes,
but you can avoid its teeth.