A stall in my journey.

Some 15 years ago I reached a conclusion that there is something out there that holds this world together.  I found the synchronicity in serendipity and began to follow life through intuition as well as I knew how.  Like living life on the edge of reality like mist above a wave, I started to see correlations and affirmations to my journey all around me.  Life is a dream has been at the core of my thoughts and much as come into my life to prove this.
A woman to whom I had a soul connection to was once telling me about a book she read when she was a kid called "The Caterpillar Pillar".  It was the kind of book for her that lead her to seeking the true meaning of life.  I tried to find the book on line only to discover it was out of print.  (apparently it has recently been re released) A day or two later we decided to go for a drive, we saw a sign for a garage sale and decided to stop and check it out.  There it was, in a box of books.  My journey with her didn't end there, we ended up moving to Oregon together and so much more happened that I will stray from that story. There were some hasty decisions made and many misunderstandings among friends and family but she is there now and doing well and I am here.  I fear my narcissism could interfere sometimes and I try to be humble but when I feel a thing is right, I go for it.

I've also experienced some dreams that had a tremendous impact on me.  Once, when I was just starting out with my experimentation of psychedelics I had a the following dream.
I was sitting in an empty room looking over a large city that resembled an MC Escher sketch.  The city was in the shape of a stadium and the rim was filled with cement structures with randomly placed right angles, much like randomly stacked non uniform blocks.  I was in one of those rooms looking down at the center where there was a round stage.  The stage was far away but I could see right up to the crowd that formed around it.  On the stage was a dance, a sort of ritualistic fire dance where the players were dressed in primitive native outfits while they danced in a circle with torches.  They would place their  torches in a circle as if they were being placed into holders on the stage.  They then took more torches and created another circle above the first creating a sort of fire pillar. The crowd was diverse and resembled a rave or some youth driven party.  I then saw off to the side a group of proteseters, conservatively dressed with button up shirts, ties real blue collar types.  The crowd began chanting "Fire, Fire, Fire".  Just as the conservative crowd started protesting "No Fire, No Fire". As this was going on I thought to myself why are these people protesting the fire dancers, it's just a performance/ritual whatever, why couldn't they let them be.  The scene then changed to all the members of the crowd running across a lawn towards a row of suburban houses and tearing down fences, breaking windows, rioting.  I then woke up startled.  The level of reality in this dream was/is indescribable.

Two days later a friend came over to tell me he got some Acid.  It would be the first time I tried something this strong.  We hung out for a while while it kicked in and as soon as we felt the peak, we went down the street from my house to a park.  It was an amazing night for this being summer and in my parts summer storms are not common.  Well the wind was blowing warm and billowing clouds could be seen on the horizon.  This is where it happened.  I was standing on a jungle gym looking around when I discovered it was cylinder shaped with red metal rings going up to the platform where I stood.  At this point I remembered my dream and just laughed at the coincidence.   I then looked around the playground and noticed the cement walkway surrounding us was a circle, much like the stage in my dream. Still not convinced I started to tell my friend about the dream.  Just then I looked around the park which was all grass surrounded by 60's style suburban clone homes which looked exactly like the ones attacked by the rioting crowd.

The dream has been rehashed many times by me and I have come to feel it was forewarning that playing with fire is no party and all aspects of the psychedelic experience should be taken very seriously.  Serious fun not excluded.

Now this is entirely subjective and being inspired by a dream may or may not be a premonition.

The biggest moment in my dream experience was two weeks before the september 11 bombings in New York.  The scene in the dream was much like a couple other dreams in which I am kneeling on a hill, overlooking whatever it is the dream is there to show.  Beside me is a shadowed figure, who I never really see.  The figure and I discuss the scene.

In front of us was a landscape, it was as if we were a thousand feet above a city.  The buildings looked like early flight simulator games, or a low res google earth image.  Flatland.  There was a peninsula jutting out into a large river and on the end was two squares billowing smoke into the sky.  One white, one gray they spiraled upward.  The figure next to me was entertained by this and mentioned how cool it was that "those buildings just collapsed".  My response was the oposite and I asked why he could enjoy this, "people are dead down there" was in my reply.  I woke up and wrote the dream in my journal.
Two weeks later it happened, and upon waking up to the news I was instantly reminded of the dream.  I haven't been the same since.

I write this now from a place in the Santa Cruz mountains.  I have been following my "intuition" for some time now and have reached a sort of stall pattern.  I am reminded of a line from the movie Waking Dream where a character says something to the extent that once you get into the details you no longer see the big picture.  I may be getting that wrong but that's how I feel now.  Misdirected and alone on my spiritual journey.  I moved out here to find someone or some place to go where I can foster and grow my connection to life.  Mainly to find my place in the bigger scheme of things.  I've been fighting off depression and anxiety over my decisions and reliving the incessant doubt that is always at my heels.  Am I the only guide in this?  If I don't watch where I'm going could I lose myself in the chaos?  Another book comes to mind, one I read many years ago called "Way of the Peaceful Warrior".  In it was the warning, once you start on this path you had better follow through because the only other option is insanity.

I am hopeful and feel this time in my life is just another process, another learning opportunity along the path to enlightenment.  I was thinking I could just come here and walk around until I found what it is I should go for but as I am a believer in all faith I have no conviction to one.  I now realize and I'll reference a bible quote here "god helps those who help themselves".  The metaphor stands true and I feel now I must reach out and seek the answers, with a plan.  Walking blindly into life with one eye open now and again just to be sure.  (and carrying a map)

Thanks for reading

Life is an illusion

-jeez, I hope so wink