Topic: My internal battle
I had a horrible experience today. It seems I have this internal conflict that goes on all the time. I am trying to figure out where it stems from. It has to do with this resistance that I have had my entire life. I have always resisted doing things. I always knew better then what people told me, what society said was right. It has held me back for so much of my life. It has kept me from opening up emotionally, it has kept me from following my dreams. The only reason I am not fully ready to throw it out the window, or try with all I have to do so, is because it may be what has kept me aware, it has made sure I remember those things that we forget, like we are eternal beings, and there is a infinite of experience. The feeling is like keeping a leech around that has saved your life. It is draining life from you but, you feel that maybe it will help you again.
The resistance manifests in quite interesting ways. If I am involved in a menial task and in a mood where distraction comes easy, it will lure me to something simple, and I will quickly lose focus. If I fight and concentrate, then the resistance will pop increasingly more and more interesting concepts into my head, until if I hold out long enough on getting distracted I will have downright epiphanies were really heavy meanings become easily understood and causes my mind to wander at which point it is sent into a confusion spiral, and I descend back to my normal sleeping state. I can't tell if this these thoughts in my head, as the resistance seems to be, are helpful but I know they are a hindrance. It is so frustrating. It is like fighting an unwanted guest in my mind, but I cannot tell the difference from me and it. I can not tell its thoughts from mine. The only thing I can figure to do is just shut off all thinking which is what I have been able to do very seldom. It lures me back with the most fascinating ideas though. It is like mind candy, that I can just not resist, and when I take hold of it I am trapped by it. It has my attention, and it drags me back down to a level where it can make me forget how I was able to rise against it, and it feeds on me. It pulls my strings until I am angry, tired, and despaired. What a bastard it is. Then it tells me I need it, only I don't know what it is. I can not tell the difference between it and whatever is writing these words. Am I more then one thing? Is my body fighting the soul? Is something foreign inside my mind? What the hell is going on!
I think another hassle of this resistance is that I can't tell if I am fighting it, or if it is duping me into fighting myself. There is definitely a conflict, I can feel it manifest whenever this occurs in my solar plexus (Gas ).
I can't tell if fighting against it is doing any good. Sometimes it seems ignoring it is the best mode of operation, but then I get lazy and it sneak attacks me.
... I think it might be time for me to clear my head again.