the problem is that i post this stuff before i go to bed, so my thoughts are jumbled and i try to address too many topics and go on tangents that forget the original idea.
like now.

i have ideas, but i should write them down, like during down-time at work.  maybe tomorrow.

peace to all.

-ERT

At any rate, congratulations on your upcoming nuptials. Now, where are those smiley faces?

tengberg, I hope you don't attempt to take your own life. Once I was close to such a feeling and a drop of water fell from a dry ceiling and landed against my wrist, where I'd intended to make an incision. Let these words then, for you, be that drop of water. Put those thoughts away. You're asking lots of questions and the lens through which you may get your answers may not be Christ or Christianity, but by even the contemplation of the cessation of being here you run the terrible risk of missing some of the answers you seek, and your answers may be, as they continue to be for me even now, Wonderful.

let me make it clear that i have no intention to off my self.  i am getting married in january and am relatively happy, at least with non-worldly things (worldly things being money, job, worries about bills and such). 
by nature i am a pensive and thought-full person, and that can make me come off as depressed (which i have been, i'm not arguing that point).  just because i don't find pleasure in things that other people do (sports, television, dumb blockbuster movies, etc.) doesn't mean that i am without pleasures of my own.  reading, being outside (what a strange expression), being with my gal, playing with the little beast, being with friends...that's all good stuff.  it's just that i'm not a loud overly excited person that i am mistaken for depressed or a stick in the mud (which i can be at times, i admit it).
it's just that things like christianity (which i don't believe has anything to do with a guy named jesus) and all the politics involved with it and the other religions gets me down. 
but i'm ready to go to sleep.  i've had a busy day.
peace.

-ERT

And there will always be people like me who are compelled to post, in spite of all the marvels of science and human ingenuity:

I don't need to know, but I sometimes wonder, what it is those who say that there is no God see when the look at the sky and see the sun and feel its warmth? What do they see when the light shines through the leaves of a tree, or when they remove their shoes to touch the water, feel the sand, or the grass beneath their feet? What are they seeing, those who believe that there is no God, when they look into the eyes of a child, hear its first words, or when a child looks up to them and says, "Pick me up"? What is it they're feeling at the touch of a breeze against their skin? Maybe they think, "It's just the wind." How colorless. Typically, those who don't believe in any sort of Infinite Intelligence, and my language is a bit informed with that of the Ra Material right now although, clearly, there are some problems with it, but typically those not given to belief in anything greater than themselves reach first for arguments like, "Then why is there war? Why is there disease, famine, destruction, and death?" Questions are raised about the workings of bodies like the religious right or some political party. Though I have some ideas, I don't know the details. I don't know why there's disease but I know that there is a cure. I don't know why there is war, but I know that there is peace. And there exists the means for every being on the planet to be fed, clothed, and housed. Why is it that these these things that I know, and perhaps hundreds of thousands or millions of others know, aren't put to effectiveness, I don't have the answer for that, either. It would be like a single cell attempting to speak for the entire body.

Why it is that the Creator lifts the veil and shows his face to some and not to others? Some have suggested to me that it is because people expect God to work in their time and not in the Creator's time. It may sound strange but it's writings like tengberg's that ultimately strengthen my faith.

I'm recalling a moment of some years ago, so there's bound to be some embellishment. The general sense is the same, and I hope that it's understood.

It may be because I was pressed by such an extreme polarity of negativity, by true evil and not some benign misunderstood action of Lucifer as a water-bearer, that the One Infinite Creator experiencing the Creation and that Mystery at the beginning and end of everything saw fit, when I was in such a darkening place, to put the thought in to my mind that I should never again be in doubt. I'm one of those people Carissa Conti wrote about in one of her essays, someone who appeared as a spike on someone's graph or grid monitoring system, and when I began to come in to both the belief, and the knowing of the fact of the existence of the One God and the work of Jesus Christ, I was like that woman Jesus met by the well. I was at first embarrassed. I was embarrassed because God showed me so plainly in a matter of hours how close He had been to me since the day I was born and I'd never truly realized it, but I had to come to such a desperate place in order for me first to call on God in prayer, and then for him to answer. And it was like, "Oh, so you're calling me now, are you? The lizard people have your back to the wall, do they? Well, finally you're here."

The lizard people, as I sometimes call them, were all over me. Few have seen such interference. And fewer still are able to talk about it because there were some moments when I looked around and I knew that what was happening to me had been going on for hundreds of years. I became the catalyst for some pretty big changes as the microcosmic blossomed into the macrocosmic. The veil works in oddly mysterious ways and I've seen what happens when I try to talk about the details too much. I just come off looking like a crazy person. There are a number of lingering bleed-throughs but I still haven't found a way to satisfactorily resolve them. At any rate, I still get the lizard people always after me to be quiet. I get stalked in creative but ultimately boring ways.

Still, I can recall the weeks that I walked around with this unexplainable peace within me, this calm while negative-oriented beings swarmed about me. They were at the grocery store, on the radio, in cars (and I'm beginning to think that some of those vehicles aren't cars as we know them), and in helicopters. I'd go to look at an apartment or room for rent and a lizard person would open the door. They were all saying amongst themselves in the way they do, loud enough so that I would overhear, "He's got to come back down." I get discarnate beings. I get the play of positive and negative all the way into unseen realms working itself out in my day. Sometimes I get so sick of non-humans working out their polarities that I have to either roll my eyes and laugh or put on my sunglasses and look the other way. I get headaches from invasive and sometimes disharmonious visions in my sleep.

But I do not get depressed.
And I no longer doubt.

One thing I remember always is the color green I saw in the leaves of a tree, and it was as if I was looking at it again for the first time. I'd been laying down in a room with the door locked, not wanting  to get up because I was tired. I was tired of everything. Everything bored me. My friends were not friends. Discarnate beings were using the bodies of children to gather beneath my window and sing disquieting songs. I could see into this other world, and it was ugly. All the while I kept hearing this voice in my mind saying, "Get up. Go and look out the window." I'd say to this voice, "I'm not getting up. I've had it with Earth. I don't know why anyone would want to come here and I certainly don't want to come back. I'm tired." But this voice insisted. So I got up and went to the window. I was at first struck by the brightness of the green of the leaves of a tree just outside. I thought, "How strange. That's so green." And this voice in my mind said to me, "It is. You have never seen a green like that before in your entire life. Because you're eyes were closed. You didn't ask to see it so it was never shown to you."

So, I find myself sometimes wondering some of the same thoughts as tengberg, like, "Why should I bother?" but from perhaps the opposing perspective. Many days now I don't do much, staring at the sky or gazing at children, and at people doing their thing, wondering what there is now for me to do? And so I go on.

tengberg, I hope you don't attempt to take your own life. Once I was close to such a feeling and a drop of water fell from a dry ceiling and landed against my wrist, where I'd intended to make an incision. Let these words then, for you, be that drop of water. Put those thoughts away. You're asking lots of questions and the lens through which you may get your answers may not be Christ or Christianity, but by even the contemplation of the cessation of being here you run the terrible risk of missing some of the answers you seek, and your answers may be, as they continue to be for me even now, Wonderful.

Eccl. 1:18  For in much wisdom is much grief: and he that increaseth knowledge increaseth sorrow. 

What has been done has been done before.  Have we done anything novel?  Oh well, I believe when I come back again, it will not be this same level.  We may be approaching a Pralaya.  We work with beauty, making more of it, refining it, living within it, loving it.  There is the ONE many know her name, and many know her by a private name.  Words are inadequate in exaltation of Her.

The Show Must Go On.

Hi.  I appreciate your reflectiveness.  At least your are looking at things, and deeply.  Sometimes looking at something too closely creates confusion because perspective is lost.

Having said that, if you really want to know what has happened (in my opinion) to us, we, humanity, I suggest that you slowly read "The Ringing Cedars of Russia" series of books by Vladimir Megre.  These books will shake you and heal you because they speak to the truth contained within your body and soul.

Am tempted to say more, but will not. 

Remember, whether it is apparent or not, love is the glue that keeps this all together no matter how bad we screw it up or........  something else screws it up.  That is a big hint. 

Just read 'em.

Perhaps all the truth in the world isn't in the things that you've described, such as religions, conspiracy theories, philosophies, etc.  Perhaps it's the most simple and obvious things in life like having your own family and having the one purpose in life to prepare your offspring to do the same?  Can you imagine the adventure of a true family of your own?  I might be jumping the gun here but feeling like a victim by learning life's lessons the hard way should be rejected.  Stay strong and fight for what you remember was important when you were 18.

Peace, PhiConcept.

However, there is also no death. Sure, you can end it all now, but you will still exist. You have always existed, and always will. And if you commit suicide, you'll still be facing the same issues as you did when you were "alive." Oh, it's true. And you know what? The world is the way it is because we've allowed it to be so. People are just robots and it doesn't look good for the world. The world can't be saved. But maybe you can save yourself.

i'm not sure what i'm trying to say, if anything at all. 
it seems like a day for self reflection and organizing thoughts.

Right now I'm trying to focus on one thing at a time. A good place to start is psychoanalysis. I suggest starting with C.G. Jung's 'Man and His Symbols' which you can get at about any bookstore. I myself am going back over Jung because his research coincides with my own observations and doesn't really require any speculation.

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http://www.amazon.com/Man-Symbols-Carl- … amp;sr=8-2

why did i stop caring about my self and others around me?
how is it that some one who loved me could turn so cold so fast?
where was i heading now that i had to return to my starting point?
who would accompany me on life's journeys now that she had turned her back on me?
when would i be okay again?

these are just a handful of the thoughts that plagued me.  i hid behind the smoke, and when that wasn't available, i hid inside of the bottle.  days turned into weeks into months into years.
one day i woke up and i was 30 years old.  it seemed that i had just turned 21.  she was new then.  9 years later she was just a memory.
it was in those years that i had learned about the beats.  sure, i had heard of "howl" and "on the road", but had never really read them.  in the beats i found kindred spirits, or so i thought. 
from there i started reading about zen and buddhism.  how my catholic raised brain would reel from the ideas expressed!
no creator god that judged you at death or kept his ever-watchful eye on you every moment of every day of your life.
no guilt over something that may or may not have ever happened regarding some guy and a cross.
non-judgement and a search for personal enlightenment.

yeah, this was where it was at.  in these books, i'd find my answers.
but no.  turned out all i found was another religion to replace the one of my childhood.  sure there were differences but if you align your self to one religious organization (or political party, or any group for that matter), aren't you accepting everything that goes with it?  it's not really being faithful if you pick and choose what you want to follow, is it?
well, i don't really know about that. 
the friends i had at that time also seemed to be on some sort of spiritual search.  and the ones that accepted their childhood upbringing as their lifelong path, resigned themselves to college and a career.  which is fine.  who am i to judge?

so after that flirtation, i turned to a new line of thought.  conspiracy theory.  now, here i would find out why i feel like i do and why i think such odd thoughts and would find out what's really going on.
i thought that catholicism and organized religion made me feel like my life was out of my hands.  in the theories of conspiracy, i would find that to be even more so.  not only religious ideology, but government control, media control, and above all that, some sort of controlling force from another dimension.  and who knows, maybe "they" are being controlled by an even higher intelligence.  and so on and so on.
that made me not want to bother with anything.  what's the point?  that was my new question. 
enter nihilism.  nothing matters.  and it doesn't matter that nothing matters.  so why make an effort to do anything?
how utterly bleak.  if that was the case, what was stopping me from ending my life?  what difference did it make if i lived or died?
i'm going to die someday anyway, so why put off the inevitable?
i didn't believe in heaven or hell.  i didn't believe that "god" would punish me.  sure my family and friends would be sad, but they'd get over it.
obla di obla da, right?
well, the suicidal thoughts didn't go far.  i put away the bottle and the smoke, and distanced my self from the people who lived by them. 
i put the spiritual crisis on hold and put away the books.  no more nothing, no more conspiracies, no more buddhism.
no more feeling sorry for my self.  if i create my own reality, i would create a better one than this one of going nowhere.

maybe it's all true. 
maybe there is a god, maybe with a capital g, that knows when a single strand of hair on our heads moves. 
maybe there are reptilian overlords waiting until the time is right to take over the earth, or our dimension or whatever.
maybe sitting still and concentrating on breathing will bring me to a higher level of consciousness.
maybe i've lived a hundred thousand lifetimes and this is just one more incarnation and there are a hundred thousand more ahead of me.
maybe we are all one and there is no real separation and that we are all part of god, capital g if you like; and we are going to return to that source of all things one day.
maybe the reason that people think that we have lost god is because what we think is the real world is really hell, complete disunion with god.
maybe we are living multiple realities everyday.  getting up "on the wrong side of the bed" or feeling "a little off", is our realization, however slight, that we are in the wrong dimension; and that is why the people that normally seem friendly are distant today.  maybe in this dimension, A is not friends with B.
maybe someone named columbus "discovered" an already existing chunk of land.
maybe humans and apes are related.
maybe early humans trekked across vast expanses of land to settle in new places.  they only had to worry about survival; food and shelter and safety.  they didn't have to worry about bills and appointments and credit ratings and whether this shirt goes with these pants and whether the new president will be better than the previous one and if coke was better than pepsi.
maybe pepsi is better than coke.
maybe there was more than one gunmen.
maybe there will be a final judgement.