I definitely understand what you're saying Z3. Sometimes everything seems so "flatline" or "paused" or "coincidencally stopped" by a lot variables that I'm still not sure if this has to do with some dark side practice or pure luck or real bad coincidences.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that experiences this.

I had to conclude that there was conscious effort behind what has been happening (or NOT happening to be more precise).  I use the law of probability.  If there is no conscious influence then good and bad things would happen 50% of the time.  When things get above 90% against me and stay there then I'm forced to conclude that conscious effort is at play.

It's still even now difficult to maintain the level of interaction I wish to because the surrounding environment does not change.  The same catalytic external patterns that I allowed to form patterns in me, is still all there.  It's like taking the same test over and over every day.  At some point you get the answer right and would think the test would change.  Normally, it would.  But when there is conscious effort to stop it then you get the same thing over and over.

I've waxed and waned from feeling the freedom to feeling the frustration that even though I express the "answer" the external remains the same.  Now I've decided to stop that back and forth and just know my own freedom at every revolution of the merry-go-round.  It's not easy but in my own mind it's necessary.  I have to do it for myself.  I don't like the feeling of frustration.  Since neither expressions stop the external madness then I guess it comes down to what I wish to experience as my reaction.  I have to choose an open-ended expression that is not tied to the external.  I'm getting off the roller coaster even though I'm still stuck in the amusement park.

So yes, lately I'm thinking of releasing a lot. This releasing includes a lot; releasing negative thoughts, beliefs, releasing cell memories, past life experiences (been reading some books of Dr. Brian Weiss and Sylvia Browne on this), releasing negative/boring/regressing contracts, wows etc. But you know what? This REALLY WORKS. Ok, I never was a typical new ager or even a typical spiritual seeker in my life because of merciless devotion to scientific explanations but people and things change it seems. Still my mind likes the idea of "quantum effects" or wave theories while observing releasing negative stuff really works - whether it be contracts, cell memories, attitudes, patterns etc.

Thanks for this thread by the way.

The external is still the same.  All roads appear blocked and have been for some time.  The spiritual remains 'out-of-sight' in a certain respect.  No external manifestations in other words.  I have described this flatline state before as a containment field, or throwing a pebble in a pond and getting no ripples.  Can't say I've experienced it without some frustration.

However, I know and have known for sometime that this is my own test for myself.  The catalyst was the constant poking from certain 'dark' entities.  The test was to see if I could find my way home without any inner 'conscious remembered' map.  Basically, no comfort from the world or any real glimpse of anything beyond it.  A vacuum state of sorts.

The 'Choice' has always been made.  The only issue was finding the inner fortitude to live the choice completely.  One of the main obstacles for me was dropping the physical idea of one way I wished to serve.  I have for many years wished to get a business going so that I could then basically buy out other peoples' time so that they could have more freedom to pursue things that being tied to a job hindered.  The sheer amount of "coincidences" that manifested to stop this from happening is quite surreal in it's scope.  This in turn led to a decrease in my own sense of freedom.  I also allowed this to add to previous patterns of frustration.

Reading stuff about creating your own reality only furthered the frustration.  I tested the theory out extensively and realized many proponents weren't able to distinguish which came first.  Many would say that the cause of the manifested "walls" was due to the identification of those walls.  That identifying hinderences caused the very hinderences you were identifying.  Or in some cases they just didn't have the experiences to see the limitations of creating your own reality in a controlled 3d enviornment.  I further realized that in cases like the movie "The Secret", those that were creating their own reality were doing so for selfish reasons and thus no hinderances were placed.  There's a long history of people being stopped in some fashion or another who's intention was to serve a larger group.  But that's a whole other story about the balance of living in two worlds, integrating two worlds, and the wisdom gained from the experience.  Anyway, just examples of the removal of the frustration/irritation pattern.  That pattern has been the main one for me.

I really should get to a closing point here before I babble on forever.

"A bridal chamber is not for the animals, nor is it for the slaves, nor for defiled women; but it is for free men and virgins."  {Nag Hammadi - Gospel of Philip}

"When you make the two into one, ...and when you make male and female into a single one, ...then you will enter [the kingdom]."  {Nag Hammadi - Gospel of Thomas}

In order to "make the two into one" I needed to fully realize that freedom while not being able to see it in the physical.  The feminine side was shut down my whole life for the most part.  So it has remained pretty well unjaded (virgin).  Now that I am finishing the release of the frustration pattern, which inherently says that I am a slave, I can then begin the final part of union within self.