JUNGLE

Dimly aware of approaching shadows,
wandering on, on, on,

lost in the stillness of the shadows,
wanderer, beware!

Swinging branches, trembling water,
hidden fears lurk there.

Wanderer, go back, go back
to the place from whence you come.

Many, many wanderers
lie already in the tomb.

"If you simplify your English, you are freed from the worst follies of orthodoxy. You cannot speak any of
the necessary dialects, and when you make a stupid remark its stupidity will be obvious, even to yourself.
Political language...is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance
of solidity to pure wind. One cannot change this all in a moment, but one can at least change one's own
habits, and from time to time one can even, if one jeers loudly enough, send some worn-out and useless
phrase...into the dustbin where it belongs."

Jack, thanks for George Orwell's Rules, I saved them.  Words to live by...

Reminds me of what one  ¸f the authors of The Elements of Style (great book on writing) said to his class:  "Omit unnecessary words!  Omit unnecessary words!  Omit unnecessary words!" 

GEORGE ORWELL'S SIX RULES

1. Never use a metaphor, simile, or other figure of speech which you are used to seeing in print.

2. Never use a long word where a short one will do.

3. If it is possible to cut a word out, always cut it out.

4. Never use the passive where you can use the active.

5. Never use a foreign phrase, a scientific word or a jargon word if you can think of an everyday English equivalent.

6. Break any of these rules sooner than say anything outright barbarous.

"If you simplify your English, you are freed from the worst follies of orthodoxy. You cannot speak any of
the necessary dialects, and when you make a stupid remark its stupidity will be obvious, even to yourself.
Political language...is designed to make lies sound truthful and murder respectable, and to give an appearance
of solidity to pure wind. One cannot change this all in a moment, but one can at least change one's own
habits, and from time to time one can even, if one jeers loudly enough, send some worn-out and useless
phrase...into the dustbin where it belongs."

You've got an assortment of senes-images in there, though. 

I like how you switch from the sea to avalanches...Maybe hearing the avalanches and sea and mountains might be good, too.  But I like it as is.

Ex.:

EXT. STREET, CORNER OF BRICK BLDG - DAY

Jack and Harvey stand near the edge of the building corner. Many gunshots are heard and several chip the bricks at the corner causing the detectives to duck and crouch.

JACK
We've got to get to that black Subaru SUV parked on the left halfway up the street!

HARVEY
Yea, the bomb will go off in thirty seconds killing everyone in the city!

No one talks like that and it's not believable when you see and hear it in a movie. Believe it or not, the Star Wars dialog suffers from this sort of thing. You just don't notice it as much because of all the FX and the power of the archetypal story.

This can also be found in some prose but, unless you're an editor, Lit prof, or are reading on a tyro site like zoetrope, you're not likely to see it.

Most modern poetry is about economy of language. It can evoke powerful images and emotions with a very few but carefully crafted words. The sublety of good poetry sometimes leads to a criticism of vagueness. A good poet blows off those unwarranted critics.

Classic poetry usually tells a story like the Iliad, the Odyssey, or the Aeneid. Modern types of this sort of poetry are usually found in songs and ballads, like Gordon Lightfoot's 'The Wreck of the Edmond Fitzgerald'.

Anyway, just a few thoughts, for what it's worth. If you think I'm off base, then I'll cheerfully refund what you paid for this.

The sun is shining down on us tonight
Baby were always on the run
Running into the sun bursting with the clouds
In the most beautiful of explosions and simultaneous merging with the oversoul
Running through the forest and the river of time
Were always on the run...
The eclipsises and the meteorites
The sea and the mountainside avalanches sliding
Down sailin on that sea laying on the deck staring at the star sky
Autum night its breezing nice this night...

The last few lines really drive.  I bet you could get even more "speed" out of them with more line breaks and shorter lines.  Like:

"The sea
and the mountainside,
avalanches sliding
Down
Sailin' on that sea,
laying on the deck
staring at the sky
Autum night
its breezing nice this night..."

**

I'm a fan myself of spoken poetry, beat poetry.  So I prefer short lines that can be slid through, or hung onto.   There's a lot of "s" in that last bit, consonnance (?), which would benefit maybe from standing more alone.