Andy

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
-Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

huh?

hehe hehe he

Love,

V

A bit of hilarity from north of Hadrian's Wall..
More than 400 performers have been demonstrating the art of
cutting-edge comedy on and beyond the Fringe. Here's a selection of the best gags...

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died... Dido must be
s*itting herself.       
-Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance.

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you,
because eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?"
And you murmur to yourself: "Sh*t, I wasn't listening ... Self-raising?"
-Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

My parents are from Glasgow which means they're incredibly hard, but I
was never smacked as a child ... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep
at night.       
-Susan Murray at the Underbelly

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britain if blind
people were given pointed sticks?
-Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

I went to the airport to check in and they asked what I did because I
looked like a terrorist. I said I was a comedian. They said, "Say something
funny then." I told them I had just graduated from flying school.
-Ahmed Ahmed at C34

A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street the other day. She
said, "Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?" I said, "All right, but
we're not going to get much done."
-Jimmy Carr at the ICC

Sleeping with prostitutes is like making your cat dance with you on
its hind legs. You know it's wrong, but you try to convince yourself that
they're enjoying it as well.
- Scott Capurro at the Pleasance

My dad's dying wish was to have his family around him. I can't help
thinking he would have been better off with more oxygen.
-Jimmy Carr at the ICC

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and
punched someone in the face.
-Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.
-Jimmy Carr

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought
the obvious one was "Shout For Help".
-Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

I went out with an Irish Catholic. Very frustrating. You can take the
Girl out of Cork...
-Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along.
Turned out it was a bloody hoax.
-Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please".
The hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the
circus?" The dog replies: "Well, what would the circus want with a
plumber?" 
-Steven Alan Green at C34

An American girl hit on me in a club and asked me to make her an
Egyptian princess. So I threw a sheet over her head and told her to be quiet.
-Ahmed Ahmed at C34

Walking down Princes Street, soaking up the atmosphere, I saw a big
sign that said: "Bus tours, ten quid." So I thought I'd give it a try... What a
rip off. Ten quid to have a look round a bus!
-Seymour Mace at Café Royal

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've
already got one!"
-Norman Lovett at The Stand

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to
arm bears.
-Chris Addison at the Pleasance

Ask people about God nowadays and they usually reply, "I'm not
religious, but deep down, I'm a very spiritual person." What this phrase really means
is: "I'm afraid of dying, but I can't be arsed going to church."
-Colin Ramone at The Stand