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I'm starting to feel a bit better about myself because I realized how much of a nice person I really am. There is only one person that I have ever truly been mean to, and I guess I just didn't like seeing what evil I was capable of. I was/am afraid of being a bad person and hurting someone that I love and I ended up hating myself quite deeply because of what I have been repeatedly doing which is being irritated towards my girlfriend.... *sigh*. It's because I want to leave her but cannot, she cheated on me a long time ago, and she is ADD-style annoying... none of which I really care to blame her for (really!). My relationship with my girlfriend is actually pretty good. She's the only thing that hasn't ended up destroying more of my confidence than rebuilding it, and for that I am eternally grateful.
I've been so desperately searching for answers and meaning because of who I am. I've always been shy, skinny, self-doubting, depressed, and lazy. I'm intelligent, or am considered intelligent, but I've failed almost a full year of high school (recently got back on track, to my surprise, yet I'm taking college prep classes when I am very capable of honors). Basically, my self-worth is s***. Right now, I'm stuck in an apartment with a girl I don't think I love (not that bad), and with my mother who is going through an emotional crisis with my abusive stepfather (who I don't live with) and my communication with my mother is very strained and depressing (due to her recurring problems) and any communication between my mother and my girlfriend almost immediately results in my mother screaming and my girlfriend crying, as I watch unable to do anything in fear of my mother saying "You're just trying to be the man and defend her!" and then calling my father and telling him to come over and yell at me as well. (almost done I promise....) I'm afraid of working at my job (which I'll be working at in a couple days) because I am excessively self-conscious around people I don't know, and I just want to do a good job but I'm not exactly a top-notch worker no matter how hard I try. I've dropped out of contact with my friends ever since I have moved so now I feel like I have no one to talk to, and that no one can, or wants, to understand or hear anything I have to say. I've effectively attracted a very sad and hopeless life situation. Yeehaw.
I'm doing what I can though. If you're wondering how the hell I got a girlfriend, I visualized it, back in the days when I first learned about it. I believe in God, and I believe that through the law of attraction I can get what I want. Don't ask me why I didn't visualize something other than what is happening, because I don't know why either.
I've written out completely what I want in the next stage of my life, and I intend to manifest what I have written down, as soon as I get it from rough draft form to something that can be clearly understood(?) by the universe. And for those who would say that manifesting for selfish things is STS, well, I disagree. The end line of my script will be "This or something better now manifests for me in fully satisfying and harmonious ways for the highest good of all concerned."
Thanks all of you much for your help. You are reminders that there are friendly people out there and that other people believe in unseen forces as well, and have something to live for that isn't money and sex.
Last edited by Dante3214 (2007-11-06 07:17:20)