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I had a horrible experience today. It seems I have this internal conflict that goes on all the time. I am trying to figure out where it stems from. It has to do with this resistance that I have had my entire life. I have always resisted doing things. I always knew better then what people told me, what society said was right. It has held me back for so much of my life. It has kept me from opening up emotionally, it has kept me from following my dreams. The only reason I am not fully ready to throw it out the window, or try with all I have to do so, is because it may be what has kept me aware, it has made sure I remember those things that we forget, like we are eternal beings, and there is a infinite of experience. The feeling is like keeping a leech around that has saved your life. It is draining life from you but, you feel that maybe it will help you again.
The resistance manifests in quite interesting ways. If I am involved in a menial task and in a mood where distraction comes easy, it will lure me to something simple, and I will quickly lose focus. If I fight and concentrate, then the resistance will pop increasingly more and more interesting concepts into my head, until if I hold out long enough on getting distracted I will have downright epiphanies were really heavy meanings become easily understood and causes my mind to wander at which point it is sent into a confusion spiral, and I descend back to my normal sleeping state. I can't tell if this these thoughts in my head, as the resistance seems to be, are helpful but I know they are a hindrance. It is so frustrating. It is like fighting an unwanted guest in my mind, but I cannot tell the difference from me and it. I can not tell its thoughts from mine. The only thing I can figure to do is just shut off all thinking which is what I have been able to do very seldom. It lures me back with the most fascinating ideas though. It is like mind candy, that I can just not resist, and when I take hold of it I am trapped by it. It has my attention, and it drags me back down to a level where it can make me forget how I was able to rise against it, and it feeds on me. It pulls my strings until I am angry, tired, and despaired. What a bastard it is. Then it tells me I need it, only I don't know what it is. I can not tell the difference between it and whatever is writing these words. Am I more then one thing? Is my body fighting the soul? Is something foreign inside my mind? What the hell is going on!
I think another hassle of this resistance is that I can't tell if I am fighting it, or if it is duping me into fighting myself. There is definitely a conflict, I can feel it manifest whenever this occurs in my solar plexus (Gas ).
I can't tell if fighting against it is doing any good. Sometimes it seems ignoring it is the best mode of operation, but then I get lazy and it sneak attacks me.
... I think it might be time for me to clear my head again.
I wrote this at work, I thought I would post it here. It might be helpful if anyone else is dealing with internal conflicts.
To trap Capitan you confuse him. The confusion is used so that he cannot understand t how to react to your activities against him. He hopefully won't even know what is happening to him because he is so wacked up in the head. The strategy is one of the oldest in the books. Divide and conquer. Create multiple thought streams and get them all to fight with one another. The more the merrier, and the stronger thae battle the better. All it takes is to steal his concentration for a second and it is all lost. Everything he was focused on gone. Now where does he go? He cannot tell And because there is a jumble of thoughts going on inside his head, you can insert your own thoughts and there are so many thoughts flowing through his brain with no necessary order, he will not be able to decipher his thought from the one you have whispered in his ear. Now you can just lead him along he is lost,and happy to see guidance from himself. Ahhh but it is not from himself, It is from you, and guide him into a trap. And if he is really confused he will just keep on his mental struggles in circular logic, and he will know of your feeding on his energies only by the depression he is feeling. You whisper thoughts in his hear "There is no use in fighting, everything is pointless, you are under foreign control and there is nothing you can do about it." He listens and contemplates how horrible he feels and wonders if never existing at all might have been better. He is now completely at your control and any suggestion you give would be followed. But you no longer care because you have feed off all of his energies and he has nothing left to give. You depart leaving him to rebuild his energies for another feeding. But there in may be your mistake. For years the pattern has continued with him reacting like a mindless beast so predictable that you are sure he would never learn. He is too confused to ever find out what is going on. And you ensure he never has enough energy to fight back, to protect himself from a battle that he doesn't even know exists. But what if he learned to focus. Then you would have to step up the intensity of the attacks. Exploring more involved methodologies of instilling confusion. Playing on his greed and desires to lead him like a horse with a carrot on a stick, right back into your traps. Will he ever learn. Will he ever make enough of an effort when he has the energy to think clearly and resist, that he may learn to defend himself from this attack? Tell him that there are infinite way to defeat him, and discovering this method was just finding out your current methodology of manipulation. Besides in a couple of hours you attack him, luring him with an enticing idea, and draw his attention, once you have it just send him right back into the pit of confusion, and when he is there you can just suggest that he forget about this whole thing, that there really is something trying to confuse him. What a foolish idea anyways!!!. Something really exists outside of him trying to manipulate him. He will feel a fool as soon as you can get him to remember that!!! HA HA. You've got him under control!!!!
That is very interesting. I find myself in the same sort of position at times, but in the sense that i get distracted by lowly or physical indulgences. I can relate to how you say that you feel like something else is occupying your conciousness. I get in the sort of mode sometimes where I am obsessed with partying or sex and I have a hard time clearing my head and focusing on things of higher importance.
The only thing I can figure to do is just shut off all thinking which is what I have been able to do very seldom.
That is what is necessary for me to do and it ultimately works the best. Meditation is key!